A patient of mine once told me that when she was diagnosed with cancer, her whole family was diagnosed with cancer. Everyone from her parents, to her husband, to her children, and friends were all affected by her diagnosis. Everyone got cancer on some level, she explained. Their lives changed as her life changed. They felt the fear, sadness, anger, and hope, but she was the only one that could undergo the treatments to get better. They were all worried for her and wanted to help, but didn’t know how.
Sometimes it is difficult to be there for the one’s we love, when we feel so helpless ourselves. Everyone copes with a cancer diagnosis and therapy differently, and it is important to remember that there is no right way to go down that path. Some feel open with their emotions and allow people in, while others put up walls to insulate themselves. Some allow people to do for them, while others refuse all offers of help. There is no right way to cope, and while loved one’s have their thoughts and feelings to sort through, it is important to support the individual with cancer however (s)he needs that support.
Listening can be the most powerful tool of love and support that we have. Asking the simple question of ‘How are you feeling today?’ can be all that it takes to give someone permission to share and feel cared for. Don’t be afraid to share your thoughts and feelings as well. Sometimes when someone has cancer, they feel the need to protect their family from pain, and they believe that by putting on a strong face their family will not have to suffer. This is rarely true. Whether addressed or ignored, the thoughts and feelings are still there under 
the surface. At least by addressing them, you share your hopes and fears, and are not as isolated and alone as when everything is bottled up inside. But if your loved one does not want, or is not ready to talk, that is okay. Don’t force the issue. Never underestimate the power of just ‘being’ present with our loved ones even if no words are said.
Sometimes it helps to have something tangible to do, something that makes it easier on our loved one. Whether that is driving her/him to or from therapy, shopping, cooking dinner, picking up the kids, or managing the medications, everything helps. Just remember not to try to do too much! Allow your loved one to do what they are able to do themselves. It can help them to feel ‘normal,’ to feel less ‘sick,’ if they are able to do some of their usual routine, if they are able to do some things for others. We all want to take care of those we love.
But most of all… Take care of yourself! You can’t be there for anyone else unless you are there for yourself. Eat, sleep, and take some time to recharge your battery. It’s okay. It’s necessary. Just because your loved one is run down from his/her treatments doesn’t mean that you have to be run down with them. In fact, if you are t
aking care of yourself, you will be able to be there for them all the better. Don’t take the weight of the world on your shoulders. There is much in this life that is out of our hands, but loving and caring for our family and friends, whether they have cancer or not, is in our control, and can make this life better and fuller for all of us. 
